I Officially Hate Holidays

I hate holidays. I loathe holidays. To me, holidays are filled with tears for the lost ones, and pressure of having to have something to do on holidays are high. No wonder the suicide rates on holidays are effing high.

I am the youngest child in the family. My brother and sister are much older than me, like 13-17 years older. So on holidays, although it is not required or said, I feel like it's my obligation to accompany my mother. Otherwise, with whom she would spend these sad holidays with? My father passed away 4 years ago. I'm not saying that this is a burden to me, no it's not. I'm glad to do it. But sometimes my mom just won't make it easy for me. When I say the pressure of having to have something to do on holidays are high, to me, it comes from my mom.

Just like this evening, Dec 31st 2008, she kept asking me, "Where do you wanna go? I'll go with you", or "Let's go to Pancious", "Let's go to Balai and have barbeque with our neighbors", etc.
Urgh! Can't we just stay at home peacefully?? And I'm not a snob, spoiled or anything, but I rarely want to go out without car. Yea curse me, damn me. But have you ever go out in Jakarta by motorcycles or public transportations? Pollutions are everywhere, and not to mention, it's December now, so it can rain anytime. Yea and this evening, when my mom asked me, I refused right away because my sister was using the car.

I understand why my mom wants to go somewhere so badly, it's the loneliness and emptiness you feel on holidays when your love has gone. But can't she just go alone to the balai if she really wants it so bad?? I mean I even barely socialise with people my age, yet she asked me to socialise with people at her age?? Can't she just see that I'm as suicidal as she is??