I Officially Hate Holidays

I hate holidays. I loathe holidays. To me, holidays are filled with tears for the lost ones, and pressure of having to have something to do on holidays are high. No wonder the suicide rates on holidays are effing high.

I am the youngest child in the family. My brother and sister are much older than me, like 13-17 years older. So on holidays, although it is not required or said, I feel like it's my obligation to accompany my mother. Otherwise, with whom she would spend these sad holidays with? My father passed away 4 years ago. I'm not saying that this is a burden to me, no it's not. I'm glad to do it. But sometimes my mom just won't make it easy for me. When I say the pressure of having to have something to do on holidays are high, to me, it comes from my mom.

Just like this evening, Dec 31st 2008, she kept asking me, "Where do you wanna go? I'll go with you", or "Let's go to Pancious", "Let's go to Balai and have barbeque with our neighbors", etc.
Urgh! Can't we just stay at home peacefully?? And I'm not a snob, spoiled or anything, but I rarely want to go out without car. Yea curse me, damn me. But have you ever go out in Jakarta by motorcycles or public transportations? Pollutions are everywhere, and not to mention, it's December now, so it can rain anytime. Yea and this evening, when my mom asked me, I refused right away because my sister was using the car.

I understand why my mom wants to go somewhere so badly, it's the loneliness and emptiness you feel on holidays when your love has gone. But can't she just go alone to the balai if she really wants it so bad?? I mean I even barely socialise with people my age, yet she asked me to socialise with people at her age?? Can't she just see that I'm as suicidal as she is??

Some Quotes

Some of totally random movie quotes I browsed from www.moviequotes.com.
Hope it might brighten up your lonely and sad day.. =]

Two mice fell into a bowl of cream. The first mouse gave up and died right away. The second mouse fought and swam until he churned that cream into butter and he crawled his way out. I am that second mouse. -Catch Me If You Can [DiCaprio, Hanks]-

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said, "Love is blind." Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others, love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one-sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space. Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years. The absolute worst years of my life. The worst Christmases, the worst birthdays...New Year Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh God, just the sight of him. Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. -The Holiday [Diaz, Winslet]-

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will! -Hope Floats [1998]-

Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater. - The Horse Whisperer [1998]-

More to come later on!

The Twilight Is Rising...and..Setting

Hello...
I'm trying to use the right spelling, checking, and whatever in this blog from now on [except grammar, I can't guarantee you anything about this haha] so..enjoy

I just watched Twilight [yea yea..enough with the screaming ladies...*roll eyes*]

I gotta admit a few things

1. I wanna scream "Edward! Edward!!" crazily and disgustingly like a freaking high school teenager
2. My expectations for boys just went from here *down* to here *up*. Normal men [non-vampires] just seem so boring now =P
3. Although I know that man like Edward Cullen is just a fictional character [i freakin don't believe in vampires] but ..but..but.. yeah I'd be a vampire in a second if it was a vampire like Edward who had a crush on me.

And let me add some quotes from the book to make you drool more...

"Before you Bella my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. .... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliance, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."-Edward Cullen-

"I promise to love you forever--every single day of forever.
-Edward Cullen"

"The talking came earlier." I groaned. "What did you hear?" His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me." "You knew that already," I reminded him, ducking my head. "It was nice to hear, just the same." I hid my face against his shoulder. "I love you," I whispered. "You are my life now," he answered simply."

"Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I'd been broken beyond repair."

"But if you bring her back damaged again-and I don't care who's fault it is; I don't care if she merely trips, of if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head - if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand now mongrel?"

"Edward: 'Tell me what you are really thinking.'
Bella: 'I always tell you what I am thinking.'
'You edit.' He accused.
"Not very much."
"Enough to drive me insane."

Of course he can be this romantic, he was born in 1910s! hahaha
Basically I think Edward falls in love with Bella because her mysteriousity. He can't read her mind at all. Isn't that romantic..awwww *batting eyelashes*

And all of these things just seem to be ruined because I know the-girl-who-made-him-broke-my-heart is a huge fan of the series... Now I'm being put off by all of it. Seems shallow huh?
But I bet some of you, if you were in my position would feel the same way.
Because everytime I think of Twilight, The Cullens and all, all that comes afterwards was the sight of him holding hands with her..

Facts

Okay..so i guess the dark and twisty days are over. maybe. or maybe not. i dont know. i dont care. it’s time for bright and shiny. oh my goat. i’m totally turning into meredith grey. here are facts about me.

1. i love myself. and i hate people who make or trying to make me not to. like sayin, "dont do this..dont do that.." hell i dont care. it’s me. love it or leave it.

2. i love guys who wear fitted t’s. fitted. not tight, not loose..fitted. really it kinda drives me crazy.

3. i love doughnuts. burgers, sandwiches. basically, carbs. i’m a carb person. it’s the only thing that’ll make me full.

4. i’m not good with strangers. not that kinda person. strangers hate me. i hate em.

5. i love grey’s anatomy. maybe cos i feel like i can relate to the girls. i can get all whiny and drama queen like meredith, self-sacrificin for the people i love like izzie, and sometimes bitter and proud like cristina. i’m them.

6. i love clubs. not that i go clubbin a lot. twice, and the first time i barely made it pass midnight. but it’s just the thing with dark, smokey room full of dancing people that makes me feel happy. that moment, when i dance to the beat, i’m a stranger. i’m a stranger who looks prettier in the dark and nobody knows me and that’s kinda cool. that makes me feel cool. dont you like feelin cool?

7. i am always honest to myself. cos you cant always be honest to other people, so you gotta always be honest to yourself. i swear it’s the only way and the best way to keep you sane.

8. i love kids. ONLY when they’re nice. when they start to act all spoil and being a smartass, i just want them to get out of my face.

9. deep down inside, i’m an emo. and really, when i say deep down inside, it’s really DEEP DOWN inside. don’t fish it out. you won’t like me when i’m emo.

10. i have a lack of letting go and forgiving, so don’t blame me if i hate you. i hate you for a reason. a real one.